Sharing Our Guilt And Regrets.

HOW IT BEGINS

You drank too much the night before and that next morning your anxiety is off the charts because you don’t know what you did or the things you said.

You sit there, wrapped in a blanket on the couch, your hair matted to the side of your head asking your husband if he stills loves you.

He laughs, he’s dealt with you many of times on mornings such as these but he assures you that he still loves you even after your drunken shenanigans.

This is normal, you’re not the first to get drunk, kiss your best friend and show a whole room your pasty breasts.

You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last and as long as you’re not committing murder, crimes, or adultery you’ll be ok.

Things like that we can move on from, you had fun, no harm was done and the next day you’re back to being you.

LOOKING BACK

However there are things we have done that maybe hurt others, caused some type of consequence or maybe a decision you made and can never go back.

Though the world turns, we sometimes don’t turn with it and in order to get peace maybe we need to forgive ourselves and move on.

I am here today to talk about some things that I regret, it’s been years and I think about them often.

My heart hurts and I regret what I did, or did not do. I’m sure these people have moved on and it’s not even an afterthought but maybe if I share how I feel I can get some closure.

You may laugh, they’re pretty petty but I can’t seem to get over them.

Most of these actually stem from getting married and no I don’t regret that for one minuet, it’s things surrounding our marriage and leading up to it that makes me cry on occasion.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

1. I am not your typical girly girl, I don’t require much and having a big wedding with ice sculptors was never in the cards. We did what we wanted to do, fairly cheap and we didn’t need a wedding planner.

We booked everything ourselves, right up to our last minuet bachelor/bachelorette parties.

Our parents helped with some shower details and my Dad pitched in a few bucks for the hall, we had help from friends in other areas..but the rest (from what I can remember) was all us.

I think back, it flowed but it could have been more planned.

2. Picking my bridesmaids: 3 of the ladies I picked couldn’t do it, we were getting married in Vegas so it was difficult for some to get out there.

Being short a girl and running out of time, I picked one of the groomsman’s wives to fill in.

I didn’t care! We were getting married and it’s not like I didn’t know her, we still remain friends to this day.

Thinking back though and wondering, could I have maybe picked my mom or aunt, or one of Pat’s sisters, even my own stepsister at the time wasn’t even a thought.

I regret not making better decisions.

 

3. The groomsman: Pat had all his guys picked out, he was set and happy. I had suggested my brother be a part of the party but it was Pat’s wedding day too and I wasn’t going to push the subject.

We never even added my brother into the wedding, since it wasn’t traditional and in Vegas there really wasn’t any special parts for anyone.

I think T.J. was hurt at first but shrugs it off like it’s no big deal. But to this day I feel like a sack of shit, I wanted my brother to be involved and somehow I let him down.

My brother is awesome, he’s grown up to be such a man. he has a job, car, home, he has money and a head on his shoulders. He’s bailed us out many times and is always there for us.

I love him and he knows that but this is one decision I regret, he was there for us in Vegas but only as a spectator and I wish I could change that.

 

4. My stepson Ricky, I wish he could have been apart of the wedding as well, he was younger but I regret not making more of an effort to get him involved. I regret not making more of an effort to have Ricky in my life, he has also turned into a young strapping man and I want him to know I love him.

 

5. The guest list for the party we had a week later back at home: Between his giant Irish family and my huge Italian family we already had a ton of people on the guest list, add that together with our friends and it was very difficult to narrow it down.

I look back. there were a a few co-workers I had invited that didn’t show. Co-workers who I don’t even see or talk to to this day, people that treated me like shit at my job but yet made the list over one special person…  My dad’s cousin Cindy.

She was always my favorite growing up but I hadn’t seen here in a few years and she didn’t make the cut. To this day I regret not having her on the list, I wish I would have thought it more through. I can’t really remember all the details of the guest list but it breaks my heart to know she wasn’t apart of our special day.

 

6. Pictures: We went the cheap rout, had the photographer for a few hours in the beginning and then that was it. She asked who I wanted special pictures with, I don’t remember what I said but I can tell you who we didn’t get pictures with.

My grandma now deceased, my grandpa now deceased, my moms partner a second mom to me, Carole, now deceased, my mother in law, now deceased. I don’t have any pictures with my mom or dad, my brother, step son or really my sister.

I regret not being more aware, I regret not having someone one grab me and say “Hey, let’s get some pictures with your family” I regret all of that.

 

7. We did a dance number as the wedding party was announced, did I give anyone the heads up to video tape it? No, I regret that. I do believe I have video of it somewhere as my friend was able to sprint over and get most of it and I am not even sure I know where that video is.

 

8. Following my dreams more. I wanted to be famous by 18, I am now 34 and have accomplished nothing close to that.

 

9. Being a better wife. I can be pretty shitty sometimes, putting others before my husband and our relationship. He’s the one that matters at the end of the day and he needs to know that.

 

10. Spending more time with the ones I love. Should have done more with my brother when he was younger.

Same thing with some of my cousins. My grandfather who lived down the road, but only saw on holidays my Aunt Barb who after my grandma died haven’t seen much of.

 

TRYING TO MOVE ON

Those are some of mine. I apologize, it was only supposed to be 2 or 3 but I got a little emotional and carried away.

And as I sit here trying to finish this nasty White India Pale Ale my brother left at my house yesterday I realize how lucky I am. Take a deep breath. Live in the now.

Things can be worse.

I’m sure I will still struggle with some of these things because most memories you can’t recreate.  But we can find new things to help us move forward.

My regrets are small, I can live with them, I HAVE lived with them I just wish I wouldn’t always think back and continue to have these horrible feelings.

Maybe opening up to strangers will help, letting those ones I’ve neglected know how I feel and getting some sort of comfort that they have forgiven me as I am trying to forgive myself.

 

HELPING OTHERS

I hope this can help you, maybe there’s something on your chest, some guilt you want to talk about and you’ve never had the moment to let it all hang out.

Use this post as that outlet, I am usually better at helping others than I am myself.

Thank you for reading.